Marriage TOOLS

We leave at around noon tomorrow for the STRONG BONDS MARRIAGE RETREAT .  When Paulie first came to me and asked if I wanted to go, I fought the urge to laugh because I panicked for a moment.. Thinking, (and not in my head but shouting), "WHY would WE need to go to some marriage counseling sessions disguised as a vacation!?"... He assured me, that it isnt just for that.. Its a lovely time, learning new skills.. which he reminds me we can all use.. its in an area that oddly enough, we havent been to on the bike yet.. so its a win - win situation. Its going to be held at a pretty BITCHIN' PLACE , so who am I to turn down sleeping in (For those of you with kids, "sleeping in" is when you get to lay in your bed, unconscious for a far longer amount of time than usual.. without the sound of cartoons, or the smell of stanky kid breath in your face) on a lovely weekend, at a resort..  Im not sure what Im facing. Its safe to guess that I will meet at least one young Army wife whose name is Kirsten.. and she will have to repeatedly remind me how to properly say her name.. and I will want to call her mother and ask her "Why did you flip flop the i and the r, and make your child an elitest pronunciation person??!"  Im sure I will offend someone..its what I do.  Paulie made it clear, that its reasonable to expect that my weekend will have to be free of the words *di*k, f#c%, snatch, whore, nipple* etc.. I can handle it.. I mean, we will get a few hours in the days we are there, to be alone, so that I can just go off on my own reflection in the mirror and vent about Kirsten.  I asked him yesterday if I should at least pretend to not be madly in love with him..and he said no.. again, this isnt just for troubled folks... Who knows what I will do.. We really  have no issues with one another.. Im a bitch, he's a man.. we understand the dynamic quite well.. I did decide, late last night, that I can make up issues.. Like, as I pointed out to him, he has never referred to me as his "shawty"... Have I lived? He looked confused.. he didnt know what a "shawty" was. NEWS FLASH, he has also NEVER been "all up in da club" either..  Do you think they will see it as a legit gripe?  He has an issue with how I still get lost in my "smart phone".. Apparently watching me try to figure it out, is much like watching a 12 year old girl communicate with her dead grandmother via a Ouija board..  He probably also has an issue with my reactions to his sometimes VERY "interesting" stories about one of his hobbies.. He is offended apparently, when I interrupt him and say "let's take a call from Snooze City, Iowa. You're on the air"... he says its rude. What if he blind sides me with these things at the group sessions.. what if he really is taking me there to fix me!? WHAT if this is an intervention!! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! I will have to divert if this is the case.. Im sure, almost positive, that KIRSTEN will be wearing body glitter lotion.. So if I point out that she is at a marriage retreat, and not in her parents' basement, they will deal with her glittery trail of daddy issues and leave me alone! I just hope I get enough sleep tonight, to not fall off the bike on the way to San Antonio.. Im thinking that tonight, I have to crank the sleep number up to Vodka..