Marriage TOOLS

We leave at around noon tomorrow for the STRONG BONDS MARRIAGE RETREAT .  When Paulie first came to me and asked if I wanted to go, I fought the urge to laugh because I panicked for a moment.. Thinking, (and not in my head but shouting), "WHY would WE need to go to some marriage counseling sessions disguised as a vacation!?"... He assured me, that it isnt just for that.. Its a lovely time, learning new skills.. which he reminds me we can all use.. its in an area that oddly enough, we havent been to on the bike yet.. so its a win - win situation. Its going to be held at a pretty BITCHIN' PLACE , so who am I to turn down sleeping in (For those of you with kids, "sleeping in" is when you get to lay in your bed, unconscious for a far longer amount of time than usual.. without the sound of cartoons, or the smell of stanky kid breath in your face) on a lovely weekend, at a resort..  Im not sure what Im facing. Its safe to guess that I will meet at least one young Army wife whose name is Kirsten.. and she will have to repeatedly remind me how to properly say her name.. and I will want to call her mother and ask her "Why did you flip flop the i and the r, and make your child an elitest pronunciation person??!"  Im sure I will offend someone..its what I do.  Paulie made it clear, that its reasonable to expect that my weekend will have to be free of the words *di*k, f#c%, snatch, whore, nipple* etc.. I can handle it.. I mean, we will get a few hours in the days we are there, to be alone, so that I can just go off on my own reflection in the mirror and vent about Kirsten.  I asked him yesterday if I should at least pretend to not be madly in love with him..and he said no.. again, this isnt just for troubled folks... Who knows what I will do.. We really  have no issues with one another.. Im a bitch, he's a man.. we understand the dynamic quite well.. I did decide, late last night, that I can make up issues.. Like, as I pointed out to him, he has never referred to me as his "shawty"... Have I lived? He looked confused.. he didnt know what a "shawty" was. NEWS FLASH, he has also NEVER been "all up in da club" either..  Do you think they will see it as a legit gripe?  He has an issue with how I still get lost in my "smart phone".. Apparently watching me try to figure it out, is much like watching a 12 year old girl communicate with her dead grandmother via a Ouija board..  He probably also has an issue with my reactions to his sometimes VERY "interesting" stories about one of his hobbies.. He is offended apparently, when I interrupt him and say "let's take a call from Snooze City, Iowa. You're on the air"... he says its rude. What if he blind sides me with these things at the group sessions.. what if he really is taking me there to fix me!? WHAT if this is an intervention!! CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!! I will have to divert if this is the case.. Im sure, almost positive, that KIRSTEN will be wearing body glitter lotion.. So if I point out that she is at a marriage retreat, and not in her parents' basement, they will deal with her glittery trail of daddy issues and leave me alone! I just hope I get enough sleep tonight, to not fall off the bike on the way to San Antonio.. Im thinking that tonight, I have to crank the sleep number up to Vodka..

Its only Thursday

I've come to realize that I don't have a thing. In my very regular, everyday life I've got no hook, no gimmick, nothing specific or special that makes the people who actually know me want to invite me to their house. No one's ever, "Ooh, Felicia's coming! That means she's bringing corn dip!" or "Felicia's here? Hope she'll play piano for us again! She has the voice of an angel." or "Felicia just got back from Asia and she's got a ton of silk goodies for everyone!" (Ive not been farther than Canada) Pretty much it's, "Oh, crap, Felicia's here. There goes all the tequila. Here comes a lot of big words. And keep her away from the dog. He hasn't been right since the last time when she tried to make out with him." I need a hook. I'm in the process of trying to figure out how to rearrange some furniture in my home.. Its getting complex. As large as the home is, the rooms seem to me to be set up oddly. I don't own the home, so I take no responsibility. I rent (oooooooooohhhhh ahhhhhhhhh), but we have lived there now for nearly 2 years.. I have NEVER gone 2 years without totally rearranging my furniture. I find it to be therapeutic.. You can REALLY clean, and you can reinvent yourself. That said, while desperately trying to figure out how to get certain large objects into certain small spaces I began recalling a conversation I had with my 10th grade Geometry teacher. Eloquently - in the ways that only a 10th grade smartass can be eloquent - I explained to Mrs. Greiner that I would never, ever need to understand the difference between obtuse and acute angles and how the word "rectilinear" did nothing but make me giggle. In completely related news, I also was about to spend twenty minutes trapped in a narrow hallway holding a sofa table.. with no way out and a cat under my feet. Well played, Mrs Greiner, well played. I discovered shortly thereafter, that I have the agility of a cat. Sadly its one of those cats with its hind legs attached to that wheelbarrow thing. I give up. After such stress, it was snack time. The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt ass is around 24 seconds. Make note. My insomnia is back. And so that means Ambien is as well.. I like to fight the pass out though.. which means every year, surviving members of BREAD remodel their basements based solely on the royalties they make on late night iTunes purchases from people like me who hide how lame they are in late night iTunes purchases, while fighting Ambien. Im tired this morning. Tomorrow we leave for the Strong Bonds Marriage Retreat. Paulie says its because its in San Antonio.. NOT because he feels we need communication skills and marriage assistance. I certainly hope not. Although, I have a feeling it could be fun to pretend that it is the case. LOL Im not sure yet, as to how I will handle this weekend. It could go many directions. I see the fear in his face, because he has no idea what Im up to! I need coffee.. like now.

Just me?!?

I think sometimes, that I have really weird phobias..not weird like not having my food touch. More like sorting my Skittles and M&Ms by color, making things symmetrical, despising the word "moist," being annoyed by serial sneezers and those who have to say "GOD BLESS YOU" totally drawing extra attention to the fact that you just blew face, needing to have even (or prime) numbers on volume control, disliking other people's feet, fixing poorly hung rolls of toilet paper, etc. I do other weird things - Like inserting my dog's name in popular songs (my current obsession is Flo Rida and "Doodle hit the flo', he hit the flo', Doodle got low low low low, low low low low"), angry spousal glass-licking, narrating my life in my head AND choosing theme songs to certain moments, worrying about sharks in swimming pools (only in the deep end), perpetually using shopping carts no matter how few items I buy, checking to make sure no cats are in the dryer, needing to make puns whenever possible (OMG, hosta-takeover!), matching fragrances and clothing items, and secretly wishing my pets would email me when I'm not home. Ive also been known to be concerned with zombie invasions. Is it just me?

I forgot

I totally forgot that I had intended to blog.. I had intended to start again mostly because of the multitude of observations or thoughts that pass through my head while riding along the back roads of Texas in the "bitch seat".. While Paulie has to hold onto the steering parts and look for traffic, Im just cruising along.. musing about funny things.. or waving to cows. Yes, I wave to cows. They dont wave back. They are a rude bunch. I think stupid things.. Like: If you havent tried to fart while riding on the back of a motorcycle and unable to lift your ass without causing an accident.. You havent really lived. And speaking of bikers.. I certainly dont support rape in any way.. but most of these people look like they would be pretty good at it.. that being said, I really enjoy the time with my hubby.. running around.. scaring old ladies.. I dont know who is going to read this.. All I ask is, dont offer to pray for me.. and I dont take checks..

I think that blogging opens up cans of worms... But I need it right now.. not worms really..but I have some shit to work through..